Evil Lairs Do Not Have Curtains
by Stephanie18
Summary: The Charmed Ones have some new foes to deal with... human foes! KT and Stephanie! Ha ha! The title will make sense as you read. PG for mention of smothering. Lol.


Evil Lairs Do Not Have Curtains  
  
Summary: The Charmed Ones have some new foes to deal with... human foes! KT and Stephanie! Ha ha! The title will make sense as you read.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed and I'm using KT without permission. But for some reason, I don't think she'll mind.  
  
A/N: I blame KT because I was reading Charmeded when I got the idea for this.  
  
  
  
  
  
[Picture this: KT and Stephanie are in their evil lair and-]  
  
KT:  
Is this actually a lair? It's got more of a hideout kind of feel.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
You think? Because I was going for the evil lair deal.  
  
KT:  
Then the curtains have to go. Evil lairs do not have curtains.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
But then the sun would be all in our eyes... and The Source had curtains.  
  
KT:  
He was wearing those curtains. That big velvety thing. That was a giant curtain. The Source is poor as... poor people, you know. He can only afford curtains.  
  
[Picture this: KT and Stephanie are in their evil hideout and-]  
  
KT:  
It will only be evil if we get rid of the teddy bear.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
No, that's the teddy bear that eats people's brains.  
  
KT:  
But, think, we're fighting the Charmed Ones.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
Oh yeah.  
  
[Stephanie chucks the teddy bear out of the uncurtained windowd. Now, Picture this: KT and Stephanie are in their evil hideout planning their attack on the Charmed Ones.]  
  
KT:  
Why don't we hold Phoebe for ransom?  
  
STEPHANIE:  
Nobody would ever come for her. How about we hold Prue AND Piper for ransom?  
  
KT:  
Are you mad? Too many people would come for them. We'd be deader than... dead things.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
Then lets just use the Evil Scheme Generator.  
  
[They walk over to the ESG (yeah, I can abbreviate)-]  
  
KT:  
Why is abbreviate such a long word?  
  
STEPHANIE:  
And why does it have its own abbreviation? Doesn't that make it all seem pointless?  
  
[They push a few buttons on the ESG and then put a dollar in the jar. Nothing in this world is free people. After a minute or two, a Scheme Sheet comes from the ESG.]  
  
KT:  
We're going to need the powers of a thousand witches, The Source's last piece of gum, several hairs from Shax, and a penny.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
Oh that's just great! Where in the world are we going to find a penny?  
  
KT:  
I think I saw one stuck to The Source's last piece of gum!  
  
STEPHANIE:  
Wow! That's like killing twobirds with one stone, but with no birds and no stone!  
  
[Let's visit the Halliwells. What? They are all alseep. Pah! We are *so* much more into this then they are.]  
  
KT (on phone):  
Hello, Amazon.com? Yeah, I was wondering if you had the powers of a thousand witches. [Pause] Great. Just ship them to 'KT and Stephanie's evil hideout.' The mailman knows what to do.  
  
[KT hangs up the phone and Stephanie enters the hideout. She's got Shax's hairs in a nice box that is clearly marked and she's got a cage with a sheet over it. She puts it all on the evil table.]  
  
KT:  
Dood, the table cloth has got to go if it's going to be an evil table.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
I'll do it later. I've got the Shax hairs AND our evil mascot.  
  
[Stephanie pulls the sheet off the cage and we see.... a brown bunny!]  
  
KT:  
You just really don't get the evil thing, huh?  
  
STEPHANIE:  
This is no ordinary bunny. This is a bunny from the future and he's got powers, he talks, he changes colors, plus he comes with seven minion bunnies! And, his name is Bert.  
  
KT:  
But is he *evil*.  
  
BERT:  
I smell a non-believer. Take me out of this cage so I can give the unbeliever the smack down!  
  
[Stephanie opens the cage and Bert gets out. He punches KT in the face ("Ow!") then stands on his bunny back legs and pulls a map of the off-pink mansion from the air. A green army helmet drops from the sky and goes on his head.]  
  
BERT:  
I'm running this operation from now on. You two aren't evil enough to-  
  
KT:  
We got rid of the curtains!  
  
BERT:  
Oh, I supposed that makes you able to destroy the Charmed Ones?  
  
STEPHANIE:  
We could strangle them with the curtains!  
  
BERT:  
Look, your problem is that you don't have fancy army helmets like mine. [Two army helmets like Bert's fall from the sky and land on KT and Stephanie's heads.] There. Now, you two need something that only I can provide.  
  
KT:  
This helmet is kewl.  
  
BERT:  
Intellegance.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
Hey! He just called us stoopid!  
  
BERT:  
You are, so sit down and shut up or I'll use my mind beams on you. [KT and Stephanie sit because you never know who has mind beams.] What you need to defeat the Charmed Ones is simple. So simple in fact, that spending $29.95 on me will seem useless after I tell you.  
  
KT:  
You spent our money on him! We were going to buy that chess board so we could challenge Death to a game!  
  
STEPHANIE:  
I know, but Bert is so persuasive. Plus, I was about to buy the chess board, but then I was all, 'Hey, Death is a really good chess player.'  
  
BERT:  
Anyway! We're going to break into the Charmed Ones' off-pink mansion and pillow them to death.  
  
KT:  
Pillows aren't evil.  
  
BERT:  
Oh, but aren't they?  
  
KT:  
No....  
  
BERT:  
What's fluffy and looks like a pillow?  
  
KT:  
I should know this one... a stick! No, that's not it...  
  
BERT:  
A pillow!  
  
[Everyone bursts out laughing. Once they wipe away their tears of joy, they get back to business.]  
  
BERT:  
We shall smother them now because I have been reading previous lines of this stupid fic and I know that they are sleeping.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
But isn't that cheating? [Pause] Oh wait! We're evil! We cheat, we lie, we steal, WE SMOTHER!!  
  
[Bert takes out his teleportation device ("Kewl." "Wow.") and teleports them all, minus the minions, to the off-pink mansion.]  
  
KT:  
What if Prue wakes up?  
  
BERT:  
We all die.  
  
[They creep to Phoebe's room. They enter and look around. Stephanie nudges KT and points to Phoebe's curtains. They hold in their laughter as Bert sneaks up to Phoebe, pillow in paw.]  
  
BERT (screaming):  
This is for my buddies in Pam!  
  
STEPHANIE:  
Don't you mean Nam?  
  
BERT (screaming):  
Noooooooo!  
  
[Bert throws the pillow over Phoebe's face. At that moment, Piper bursts through the door.]  
  
PIPER:  
What the *beeep*?  
  
KT:  
Oh my God! I wasn't just making it up! She really does have a... habit.  
  
BERT:  
Smother her!  
  
[KT and Stephanie lunge at Piper and begin beating her with the pillow. Piper grabs a pillow herself ans throws it at Stephanie. The pillow slows Matrix-style and Stephanie leans back as the pillow moves slowly by. Normal speed. Stephanie falls over. ("Ow!")]  
  
KT:  
SMOTHER!  
  
[KT goes forward, but we see... Prue in the doorway! All pillows drop as everyone stares with dropped jaws at Prue.]  
  
BERT:  
Telekinesis! Ruuuuuuuuun!  
  
[The three evils try to make it to the window, but they start going in slow motion.]  
  
KT:  
This...is...no...time...fot...a...dramatic...slow-mo...escape...shot.  
  
[They get to the window, but as they are about to go through, Prue uses her power and Bert slams against the wall.]  
  
STEPHANIE:  
$29.95!  
  
[The slow motion ends and KT and Stephanie crash through the window. Miraculously, they are unscathed (unharmed). They run like the dickens to their evil hideout. They sigh in defeat.]  
  
KT:  
Sigh.  
  
STEPHANIE:  
Sigh.  
  
[Stephanie grabs the curtains from the floor and KT grabs the teddy bear from outside. Sadly, they place the teddy bear in the window then put the curtains up.]  
  
VOICEOVER:  
Because, simply, evil lairs do not have curtains.  
  
THE END 


End file.
